He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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