Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
bring money and cleavage
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
