he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
