I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
