Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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