Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
