If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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