So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
