every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.