paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
