My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
