the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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