dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
