My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
