I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
