tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
