I wish I could teleport
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
