i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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