This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sober January is a disaster.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
