my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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