I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
