No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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