Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
did i walk over a car last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
