No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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