things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
