Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
