I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
