i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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