Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
