i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
