i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
