is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fuck appropriateness.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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