I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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