Me. At least after what I've been through.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
