The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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