I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
