Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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