how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
