yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
