i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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