he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's get the cat blown out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
