I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
3pm strippers are depressing
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
