I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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