He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
