Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We are two peas in an std pod
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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