i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i came on her dog
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
