We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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