I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
