I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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