R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
