It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
