So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
