I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
