Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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