i jhust puked up my retainher.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
