I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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