We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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