We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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